if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee