[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
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Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.