@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
me and who
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
A small tragedy.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands