Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Dishonest mechanic?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice