[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
then why did i get this email
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.