home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.