My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
It’s the weekend y’all
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….