In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
courtroom exchange of the day
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*lint rolls you awake*
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question