therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!