Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“HELP WITH CAT”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick