The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.