Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?