Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
how high up are we talkin’?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Saturday
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them