Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.