I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.