Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.