Trumpy Cat
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’ve been learning to cook.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.