My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
You Might Also Like
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
A great tip. #CakeRex
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Velcrow
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit