therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.