Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.