me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My dog ate my work from home.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
October already? What’s next? November????
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Taking phone security to the next level.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
my first day as a raccoon
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.