Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE