New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
who wore it better?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Autocorrect is my menesis