Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
This makes total sense…
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Breaking news:
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
🤭😂
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Safety first
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.