When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?