They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.