Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.