Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”