My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Do you want to taunt a snowman?