Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
FINE, I WON’T.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.