Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You Might Also Like
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect