Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.