Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
live, laugh, laundry.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment