People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
You Might Also Like
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup