Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?