If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
CRYING
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people