Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”