Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”