ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.