Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The booster protects against what, now?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago