Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I thought this was funny lol
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
you have three unread messages