I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
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What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.