‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
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Good advice.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Erm…
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”