It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Uh oh…
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners