the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Ain’t no way