A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
All generalizations are stupid.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*