I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You Might Also Like
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.