How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Education is vital
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.