My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.