I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
You Might Also Like
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.